It's been a L-O-N-G year!

I have not posted anything on this blog since January.  I decided I was done blogging. I mean who wants to blog, when your life is dreary and sad?   Then today, I felt like I needed to write down how I felt.  Possibly, someone out there in the big, big world needed to know that it doesn't matter how bad life gets, God is there for you and you are never alone.  Begin with prayer. Pray as hard and as long as you need to.  You will feel his love and warmth surround you.  God is there and he is real.

About a year ago, I received word from my Dad that my Mother (69 years old) was not doing well with her health. As a matter of fact she had declined so much that he had to put her into a care facility. Which absolutely broke my heart.  I felt such guilt that I had moved to Washington and left them in alone in Texas, to deal with such horrible health matters. 

As Spring came, Dad asked for mom to be moved home and Hospice was called in. This is quite embarassing, but, I actually did not know what Hospice was.  I thought it was home health care.  In my mind I thought this was good news, no more having Mom live in a care facility, that she could be cared for at home.  My brother Todd, soon set me straight.  UGH. This was horrible news.

On April 15th my dad called and said mom had stopped eating, that her body was shutting down and it would be anytime that she would pass.  I began trying to decide, should I go to Texas? Would I make it in time to say a last goodbye? Is this what she would want me to do or would she rather I go to Texas after her burial to help my Dad organize the home and to keep him company after everyone had said goodbyes and moved on with their lives?  I chose the latter option.  I knew he would need help.  My brother called me one evening and said, "Mom is not passing.  It's like she is hanging on for something or someone, or it is as if she is afraid to pass."   He asked me to talk to her on the phone.  I do believe that was the most difficult things I have ever had to do in my life.  To tell my mother that it was okay to go, that we would watch after dad, that he would be alright. I then thanked her for everything she had ever done for me, taught me, and for her love.   After a long grueling eight days, mom passed away about 4 hours later after I had spoken to her on the phone, it was April 22 at 2:20am. 

After the funeral, I traveled to Texas to help Dad tidy up the home.  It was horrifically messy.  It took me days to sort through all of the home and to get it organized.  Before I left, it looked really great, I knew mom was pleased!  I felt Dad would be able to move on and feel like it was a masculine home and no longer Mom's frilly french chateau.

The night before I was to leave, my dad became quite sick and he ended up in the hospital for seven days. The doctors tried to diagnosis what was wrong with him, but they could not find an answer.  Their best medicine...they told him to go on a vacation from life and just relax.  He ended up going to Utah to be with his brother for a month.  While there is met up with an old friend and within three days time of visiting with each other, they decided to get engaged and began planning their wedding.  I received a phone call from him with this news, and I was in shock. I wasn't sure what to say.  I of course wanted him to be happy and to move on. But this quickly?  After a few days of thinking this news over, I advised him to not get married so quickly. To date for a while and really get to know this woman.  Many of my older friends told me to just leave him alone and let him do what he wanted to do. They said he is afraid to be alone and men just don't like to be alone. They need a woman to care for them.  My siblings and I tried again and again to talk him out of it, but he went ahead and got sealed anyway on August 3.  Watching him get sealed to another woman just about broke my heart.  However, the most difficult part was watching him afterwards taking photos with his new wife and her children.  They were all so happy, while I stood there feeling like, I had lost my mother three months previous and now I had lost my dad to another family.  I really just wanted to crawl into a cave and never come out.  Life was pretty dark for me about this time.

On August 10th my sweet niece held her wedding reception in my backyard.  It was a joyous occasion, and a time for healing.  I got to know my new step mother and I really liked her. I saw that she held many talents that I could learn from (she is an excellent cake decorator). I was excited to get to know her better.

My birthday came in September and my one simple wish was to have a year with no sadness.  I was hoping to coast through this year and try to climb out of my depression.   However, that is not what occurred.  I soon learned my mother in law's breast cancer had returned.  This woman has been my rock as I was going through the past year.  She was there to give me advice and motherly love.  So when I heard she was sick again, this shook me to my core.  My first thought was, why?  Why does she need to suffer and my second thought was purely selfish...why do I have to go through sorrow again of watching a parent be sick and possibly die?

We now have moved into the month of October...I received an email from my dad saying his doctors say he is diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and he and his new wife are getting a divorce.  Yes, you read that correctly. I just sat there numb. No words can express how sad and angry I was.  Sad, that I have another sick parent and angry that I am losing another mother and friend. 

Such sorrow has filled my soul this year.  I have really had to gain strength from my testimony, and rely upon the Savior and Heavenly Father for guidnace and strength.  I love the Mormon Messages that I have found online about trials and why God gives them to us.  I truly feel that I have become a stronger and wiser person for all that I have gone through the past 12 months.  At times I feel such deep sorrow.  At those moments I realize that I need to stop looking backwards, that I need to start living in the now.  My daughters need me. My husband needs me. My extended family needs me.  I have so much to give this world to make it a better place and I can't do that if I am sitting here throwing myself a pity party each day.  

This week I have began to pack up all of my mothers belongings that have been sitting in the corner of my bedroom.  I am sorting and sending photos to my family members. I am putting everything I have from my mother in a box and storing it in a closet.  It feels good to move forward and to stop looking backwards.

I know God is giving me whatever experiences are necessary for the progression of my soul.

I love this quote by the President of my church, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints...

"The difficulties which come to us present us with the real test of our ability to endure. A fundamental question remains to be answered by each of us: Shall I falter or shall I finish? Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured and then have overcome."
--Thomas S. Monson

Others have passed this way, endured and overcome...I can and will too.